


To Be Yours Just Once

by Vexed_Wench



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Diary/Journal, M/M, POV Dean Winchester, Reverse Big Bang Challenge, Temporarily Female Sam, Witchcraft
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-25
Updated: 2017-06-25
Packaged: 2018-11-18 19:50:13
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,106
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11297643
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Vexed_Wench/pseuds/Vexed_Wench
Summary: This was written for the wincestreversebang on LJ.I was lucky enough to get two pieces done by TxDorA. This is the second.Sam found an old spell that allowed him to have the one thing he wanted more than anything.





	To Be Yours Just Once

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [To Be Yours Just Once - Art Post](https://archiveofourown.org/works/11264358) by [TxDorA](https://archiveofourown.org/users/TxDorA/pseuds/TxDorA). 



[](http://s1140.photobucket.com/user/vexed_wench/media/Art%20by%20TxdorA/TBYJO%20Final_zpsscsrcv2x.png.html)

 

"Sam, you've been cooped up here all week." Dean had been trying to get his brother to agree to one night out with him. He couldn't remember the last time he was able to drag Sam's ass out of the bunker that wasn't hunting related. Lately, it was even a hassle to get Sam to go out and get some food. It wasn't like the world was going to explode if they went out and grabbed the occasional burger.

"I don't think so. I really want to start sorting through the old archives of research notes we found last month. You don't have to be here. I know you hate filing and archiving. Let's face it, you'll just drive me nuts and make it that much harder to get this shit done. How about we save time and you just go out and have enough fun for the both of us," Sam suggested.

"C'mon, Sam, you know what they say, ‘all work and no play makes Sammy...’" Dean said in his best Jack voice.

"Makes _Sam_ a productive Men of Letters," Sam finished with a dismissive hand wave.

"How about three beers and one game of pool?" Dean tried to bargain with him. He wasn't that sad to see Sam shake his head and wander back towards the small office they had uncovered a few months ago. Sam had been delighted with all of the old boxes and had fun meticulously going through each one. Dean wasn't as impressed. He was horrified to learn that Sam had found an entire room of the boxes and not just the dozen or so he dragged out to show Dean.

"Well, I hate leaving you alone _again_. I know you don’t want to go, but I'm just going to play a few games at Rocko's. If you change your mind, I'm ready to kick your ass again on the pool table." Dean was serious about that. They had to be careful when they played anywhere near home. Unfortunately, they'd been hustling games since they were old enough to hold a cue. It was hard to not get caught up in the con when some of the players were just naturally bad.

"I promise we'll have a night soon. For now, I really have to get this done. Who knows what they’ve buried back there? Think about how much information they used to bring in when there was a full-time staff living here." 

Dean thought Sam sounded like he was ready to turn back the clock himself. He bet Sam would love to be surrounded by the old Men of Letters. He could see Sam heading up a new research division of their modern day Men of Letters. He could picture it now, Sammy with at least a half a dozen little underlings all ready to help unlock the lore of the day.

Dean wasn't on board with the “let's bring the old ways back” plan. He'd spent enough time with Eliot Ness in the forties to know that things weren't like they were in the movies. Not that he was holding out for the perfect life, but he knew that what he found back then was worse than what they had now.

His own relationship with Sam was a different story. It had taken them a lot of time and work to finally be in a good place again. There was a small part of him that was worried that Sam no longer wanted to hang out with him. It was true they still spent more time in the Impala together than any two people probably should and there were still occasional overnight hunts that needed a cheap motel room. Sam was willing to be with him if it was work related. He couldn't remember the last time they hung out just for fun. They'd been through too much shit for a few dozen boxes of musty books to come between them. He would have to think of a better plan to get Sam to hang out with him more.

He was getting nowhere and his thoughts seemed to have run full circle. He stopped in his room and grabbed his jacket. He thought about asking Sam one more time. He knew that it would most likely just piss him off and that would make things that much worse between them. He knew from experience that if he kept pressing the matter Sam would think he didn't trust him. That never ended well.

It was a quick drive to Rocko's and it was early enough that there was more than one pool table free. He liked playing against the locals that hung out there. While none of them played on Dean's level, they had enough skills to keep him entertained.

When he played Sam it was almost like playing against himself. It wasn't surprising; he had taught the kid to shoot. He put his own Sammy flair on it, but it was never really enough of a change to be a real challenge. He was wishing Sam had decided to come out for at least one round. A quick glance at the tables made him realize that he would have to wait until later that evening for a worthwhile opponent.

He made his way back to the bar and ordered a burger and a beer. He reminded himself not to worry about what Sam was going to eat. That Sam was a big boy and he could make himself a sandwich. He nursed his beer and finally let his mind wander to the one thing he'd been trying to avoid thinking about all evening.

He hated to admit that a small part of him was glad when Sam bailed on him. Whenever he went out alone, he met his perfect woman. He always thought she was perfect. Then the next time Sam bailed on him he met someone even better.

He grinned at the bartender as she slid his plate in front of him. She was cute, but she was nowhere near his ideal perfect woman. She was hot and flirty, and her red hair and predatory grin had always reminded him too much of Abandon for him to think about going back to her place for the night. She lived above the bar and a few months ago he would've jumped all over that setup. Now, the new women in his life were always out-of-towner's.

The other weird thing all of his new _lady friends_ always had in common was a room in a swanky hotel to go back to. There was never a question about him taking them home. He never had to have the awkward “I live with the brother in a secret underground lair” talk. He could only imagine how badly that would go. He wasn't sure what was worse, a man his age living with his brother or the secret underground lair.

He checked his watch and took another look around the room. He was expecting it to be as busy as it was a weekend night, but he was hoping for a bigger crowd then he'd found. He nursed his beer, hoping that there would be more people, walking through the doors.

He ordered a burger to go, that way if Sammy had forgotten to eat, he didn't have to cook. Dean reminded himself that if Sammy bitched about the burger he would eat it himself. They were damned good burgers, almost as good as his own. He wondered if he would ever get over having a home base. He was almost sorry he'd given Sam such a hard time about putting down real roots. It was kind of nice to have a place to call their own. 

He wished Sam would do more with his own room. Would it have killed him to buy a new bed if nothing else? He would've bet his last dollar that Sam would've redecorated the whole damn bunker by now. That he would've put the _Winchester_ brand on everything they touched. Maybe he could convince Sam to take a shopping trip with him over the weekend.

He grabbed his to go order and quickly made his way back to the Impala. With any luck, he would have a fun night with Sam. It wasn't as good as getting laid, but it was a damn close second.

He deiced that his luck was the normal bite him in the ass flavor it always was when he set off to find Sammy. He checked the library, the kitchen, and the bathroom, and found them all to be empty. The last place he checked was Sam's bedroom. It was early for him to have crashed, but you never know. He could be watching Netflix in bed Dean reminded himself. If he was, there was going to be words about not answering Dean when he called out for him.

He wasn't surprised to find Sam's room empty. He was disappointed, but not surprised. He sat on Sam's small uncomfortable bed and tried to think of where his brother could've run off to.

He slipped his cell out of his pocket, hoping that a quick call to his brother would tell him where Sam had gone. His hopes were soon dashed when Sam's cell phone began to ring on his nightstand. He tried to think of a reason Sam would leave the bunker without it. He could barely go five minutes without checking the damn thing.

Dean flopped back onto Sam's pillows to rethink his plans for the night.  
He was surprised that the bed wasn't as uncomfortable as he assumed it would be. It wasn't in the same league as his memory foam mattress. That thing was a thing of beauty. After all the time he'd been sleeping on, it still gave him a thrill to know he was the only one that had ever slept on it. It was a step up from the motel beds they grew up with. The only bad thing was, whatever was sticking him in his shoulder.

He was surprised to find Sam was keeping a journal again. Sam had kept one, in the past, whenever he was feeling stressed. Dean wondered what had him that upset lately. Sure their life wasn't as perfect as it could've been, but it was better than he ever thought it would be.

Dean sat up and turned the book over in his hands. Part of him wanted to read every word and hopefully have some kind of idea about what was up with Sammy.

Over the years, they had done their best to keep the no snoop rule from their childhood. He reminded himself that reading Sam's journal was just like reading someone's diary. The big brother in him hated to pass up a chance to see the unfiltered thoughts Sam had been hiding. In the end, it wasn't much of a choice. He settled back onto the bed and opened the book.

_  
Wow, I know it's been a while since I last kept a journal. Things were either too fucked up or busy before. Who wants to catalog how they almost destroyed the world... again? Not me, that's for damn sure._

_Things have been calmer and better than they've been in years. Dean and I have finally found a good home base. Sometimes I wonder if the bunker is really some kind of shared Jinn curse we're sharing. This place is perfect for both of us._

_It's no secret I do enjoy the research part of the hunt. I love being able to fill in all the dots about what happened and how to fix it. Don't get me wrong, being back on the road with Dean still kicks ass. Not that I would ever tell him that. Hunting with him was always better than hunting with anyone else._

_This place has a library. A real honest to god fucking library. I still can't get over how many rooms filled with old research boxes from all over the country we've found. I have been poking at them since we moved in and have only managed to scratch the surface._

_I know Dean loves the garage. It's packed with old cars; I am talking seriously classic cars. I know they all belonged to the MOL that were still active when the cars were new or at least newish._

_We own our very own underground shooting range. I know I roll my eyes at Dean every time he gets that manic look and drags me down there. I know if I let him know I was just as happy, he would make us spend way more time down there than he does now. Maybe I’ll be able to find him a box of antique guns in storage. That would be cool to watch him get excited over."  
_

Dean was taken back to the some of the journals Sammy had kept when he was younger. It was funny how the kid was coming full circle. It would be sweet if they really could find a stash of antique weapons. Maybe he could score something like what Eliot Ness had. He bet between the two of them, they could trick the old guns out to kick modern creepy crawlies’ ass today.

_  
Today was an interesting one. I was so excited to tell Dean about what I had found. I don't think he was that interested. That's not true. I think he was more upset than disinterested. I hate to think he thinks he still has a reason not to trust me._

_I thought we were long past our issues. Then I found something that makes him look at me like I grew an extra head or something. I wish he still trusted me one hundred percent like he used to._

_Now that I think about when did he ever?_

__

Dean felt like he'd been punched in the gut. He was pretty sure a punch to the gut with brass knuckles would've hurt less.

He tried to remember what Sam was talking about. It seemed like lately, he was always lugging dusty boxes around the bunker. The first couple of dozen were interesting. How many dusty old books did Sam expect him to get excited over?

The vintage _Busty Asian Beauties_ were a rare find. He also liked the old cookbooks Sam had dug up in a box marked personal. He didn't have much use for the lacy aprons, but the cookbooks he'd been using whenever he could. Sam made jokes about it being some young woman's hope chest. 

Dean had to check out a few more entries. He hoped that Sam had just had an off night when he wrote that. He had to know that Dean trusted him.

_  
There must be something wrong with me. I hate to admit it, but why else would I even be thinking about trying this?_

_If I do it, does that mean I really am nothing, but the spoiled brat people always accused me of being?_

_If Dean finds out will he understand? More importantly, will he ever forgive me?  
_

Dean wondered what Sam could be so worried about. It sounded like Sammy knew whatever he wanted to do was wrong. It worried Dean that Sam knew it and was thinking about doing it anyways.

He flipped through a few more pages, trying to get a glimmer of what the hell his brother had been thinking.

_  
I broke down and tried it. I made sure Dean wasn’t able to find out. I told him I had to drive a couple of hours to get a book we needed._

_Okay, that was a half lie. We did need the book. There was no way we would've been able to kill the Tatzelwurm without it. Who knew the Men of Letters had such an in-depth mythology section? He knew it, but he would bet his last dollar Dean had no clue._

_I was pretty sure I would win that bet too, when Dean didn't remind me we own the very book I had to drive four hours each way to grab. I had to make sure that I was at least a couple hours out of town. What if someone had recognized me?_

_I've never had to worry about that before. All the years I fought with Dad about settling down, I’d never once thought of a downside to it. I'm not counting the credit card fraud or hustles close to home. That would've been an extra bonus. Don't get me wrong I know Dean had to do more than his fair share of shady shit for us to survive. I also know for a fact that NONE of that should ever fall on him._

_That will always fall on Dad's shoulders. I know I told Dean that I’m past that crap from our childhood. I really am for the most part. There will always be things that I can't seem to let go. The biggest grudge I will always carry is the tough spot he put Dean in. No child should ever have to make the decisions Dean had to._

_That is enough of a reason to hold a grudge against Dad._

_I have to ask myself am I really any better? If I go through with this I’ll be no better than he was. I hate to admit it, but I think it might actually make me a worse person.  
_

Dean sat there, looking at his brother's journal, more curious than he was before. It sounded like Sam knew that whatever he wanted to do was wrong and Dean wouldn't approve. He wished he could figure out what Sam was up to.

He hoped that the latest entries would have the answers. He found a spot where pages had been torn out. He knew that it would be pointless to search for them. They were most likely burned to ash moments, after being torn out.

_  
Times like this, I wish I had someone I could talk this shit out with. For almost everything in my life, I've got Dean. As my journal swears he’s a great guy. I know how lucky I am to have him. I really do. That's not what got me in trouble. Knowing you have the most awesome big brother in the world is something every younger brother should feel. If they were lucky enough to have a big brother that made them the center of his world like mine did, they need to do a bit more._

_I wish I was stronger. It shouldn't surprise anyone, least of all Dean, that I’m weak when it comes to something I really want. I know there’s nothing I've wanted more than Dean in my life. It sounds fucked up, I know. My life has revolved around him for so long that I can't stand the thought of him not being in it._

_I know he and I have moved on from the why I left to go to college in the first place. That was my first, and sadly last, act of being the bigger man with him. I knew I was wrong back then, just as much as I know it now._

_I tried to get past it. I really tried to put everything I could into my relationship with Jess. She really was the best girl a guy could find. She put up with all of my weird little quirks. She always seemed to accept me for who I am. I was even shopping for a ring. I thought that if I married her and settled down that maybe these feelings would go away._

_Now I know how dumb I was being._

_Sammy's big secret..._

_I found an old book that had yet to be archived. I know that's not exactly a secret. It was about how to use magic to win the war. I'm not sure what war they thought they were going to win. There was nothing specific about any one supernatural creature._

_I'm not sure who wrote it or why. I know I never would've left it buried in a box of crap. It's full of interesting spell work and runes I've never seen before. I've been slowly adding the runes where I can. The last thing I want is for Dean to become suspicious. What if he demands to see the book? He would kill me. Okay, he wouldn't kill me, but he would be very disappointed in me. I'm pretty sure I’ll get a justified beat down. He would be well within his rights to kick my ass._

_I can hear him bitching at me for stalling. I'm really not. It's just hard to admit, even if it is just to myself, that I'm in love with him. I can only imagine Dean's reaction if I told him. I have the version that I like to think about and the one that scares the crap out of me. After all this time, I am not sure which one is more realistic._

_I'm sure anyone, who’s actually reading this, can guess where it's going. Though I doubt anyone will be reading this any time soon. If Dean finds this, please, God, may I be long gone or dead or both?  
_

Dean didn't know what to think. How could Sam even joke about wanting to be dead? After everything they'd been through, that topic was one that shouldn't be joked about. He wasn't even going to think about Sam leaving. That was something that still kept him awake more nights than he would ever admit.

He wondered why Sam thought Dean would be mad about Sam admitting he loved him. He knew long before Lisa had pointed it out that he and Sam had a weird relationship. She wasn't the first one to point it out too. He doubted she would be the last one either. You didn't have to be a genius to know that most siblings wouldn't be willing to go to hell for the other one.

"I see you found it. Why am I not surprised to find you stretched out on my bed flipping through my journal? I thought we had a hands-off agreement about things like that?" 

Dean could only stare at the woman in the doorway. "Uh...um...uh," he stammered, trying to figure out who the woman was and how the hell she got into the bunker. He knew he should be looking for a weapon. Sam should still have a knife or three around his bed. And yet, there was something familiar about her.

"What? Why do you look so shocked? You read the damned thing so now you know. Did you think I was joking?" She stormed into the room, her black shiny heels clicking on the floor. She was wearing a short black dress that hugged every curve in all the right ways. 

Dean could only sit there and stare at her. He took a moment to really look at her. He looked past the ample breasts and curvy hips, not to mention the longest legs he'd seen on a woman in while. He concentrated on her face. She had hazel eyes. The more he thought about it, all of the new classy dates he'd been having had them as well. His eyes traveled down her neck and he couldn't believe what he was seeing. Dean stared as she walked over to the bed to sit beside him.

He wet his lips and asked in a shaky tone, "Where did you get this scar?" Dean dragged his finger over the old mark on her left collarbone. The scar that looked suspiciously like the one Sam had from when Dean had nicked him when they were younger. 

"You should know. You were there." She flipped her brown hair behind her back.

"I think I would remember pulling a knife on you, Sweetheart," Dean smirked.

"I'm sure you remember just fine, _Sweetheart,_ she whispered.

Dean just sat there, looking at her. He couldn't believe what she was trying to tell him. There was no way that he'd been dating... Sam. He would've known it was him. "Why?" He had to know what Sam had been thinking.

"You read my journal and you have to ask."

"Yeah, I kind of do." Dean was out of his element and he hated the feeling. "You can't be Sam," he whispered.

"I'm pretty sure I can be. I was Sam when I woke up this morning and the last time I checked, I’m still him," she said with a familiar false bravado.

"That doesn't explain why you did it. Not the bullshit answer you think I want to know. The real reason. Why'd you do it? Once on a whim would've been freaky, but that would've been one thing. Come on, Sam, you've been doing this for months. I thought we agreed no more secrets between us, after everything we've been through. I got to say this is a pretty big fucking secret."

"I know we promised. I meant it and I still do. The first time I honestly thought it would be fun. I thought you would take one look at me and just know who I was. I thought that either you would be pissy and walk out on me or maybe we could use my new look for a better hustle. I never thought you would think I was someone else." Sam twisted his hands in his lap.

"Why didn't you tell me? It must've been obvious when I kissed you. Hell, after I had my hand up your skirt you should've said something. Why didn't you?" Dean sat up so he could look Sam in the eye.

"Honestly?" 

Dean hated seeing genuine fear in Sammy's eyes. He knew if he caved in and let him off the hook, he would never learn what made Sam do it.

"No, Sammy, I only asked so you can continue to lie to me," Dean said with as much sarcasm as he could muster.

"If we do this you have to promise me that you will hold off on any urges to kick my ass until I'm back to being me. My center of gravity is all fucked up. Trust me, learning to walk in heels was enough of a bitch. I really didn't practice hand to hand in this body." 

Dean realized that Sam's puppy dog eyes worked no matter what face he was wearing. "I promise no kicking your ass. I _do_ reserve the right to kick your ass later," he promised.

 

"That's fine. If you really want to after I change back, I won't even try to stop you."

"What the hell? Sammy, you have to defend yourself no matter what," Dean reminded him automatically.

“What do you want me to say? That I've been lusting after you all my life? That I used to spy on you and your dates when we were younger. That I was jealous of the girls you brought home. That I spent all of my time fantasizing that I was the skank of the week."

"If that's what you felt?" Dean wondered how he could've missed that.

"Some of that is probably true. I did use to spy on you. It wasn't for those reasons, honestly, it was more about finding something to tease you about. You were always so damn cool and I was your tag-along little brother."

"Sammy, I swear you weren't. You were, no you are a great brother." Dean hated hearing Sam doubt his worth.

"I'm not fishing for compliments. I just wanted you to understand. Like I said earlier, I thought it would just be a great gag. Then you went and kissed me, and I lost touch with reality. I know it was wrong and I should've said something, but it was..." Sam stopped there.

"It was what? I got to tell you, Sammy, I've never had a complaint before." Dean smirked.

"I'm not complaining. I was just looking for a word that wouldn't make you call me a girl. It was in that moment I knew it was right. That we were right. I just needed a little more time to convince you."

"To convince me?" Dean asked, confused.

"That we were meant to be or something. Can you honestly say that you could have a relationship with them? Will you be moving them in here? How do you even explain our secret lair? If by some miracle, you get someone that is cool with the bunker, what about hunting? Do they tag along and get themselves killed or maybe get us maimed and possibly killed too? Do you leave them here and worry about them? Face it, our life is fucked up and the only people we can let in is us." Sam kept his eyes on his lap and picked at the hem of his dress.

"You got yourself all dolled up to tell me that we have no other choice, but each other? I don't think I like that answer." Dean glared at him.

"I didn't say that exactly. It's not like if you don't want me you'll die a lonely old man." Sam smacked him on the shoulder.

"I give up, what are you trying to tell me?" Dean asked.

"I think you need to give us a chance." Sam leaned closer, and cupping Dean’s cheek, he kissed him.

Dean broke the kiss. "You skipped an important thing." 

"What did I forget? I told you everything I did and why?" Sam sounded confused.

"You admitted I've been dating you for months, but none of those women were _really_ you. They were all what you thought was the perfect woman for me."

"You're saying you’re on board with us, but not until I'm back to me?" Sam sounded skeptical.

"Yeah, you need to go back to your own room for the night. You need the time to plan. I expect you to put just as much, if not more, effort into our dates as Sam as you did as a girl." Dean kissed him once more, before he shoved him off the bed.

"Hey!" Sam protested.

"Nighty night, Sammy. I'll see you in the morning."

"Dean, this is _my_ room." Sam laughed as he pulled Dean off of his bed.

Dean kissed him good night once more, before retreating to his own room. Tonight wasn't the night he had hoped for, but he had a feeling that their future was going to be better than anything either of them could've wished for.


End file.
